Wednesday, November 8, 2006

passing me by

I stopped purposely looking for your face in the crowd everywhere I go. Sometimes I do take a peek…force of habit I guess. I haven’t been able to shake it off yet. You opened a switch inside me that I still haven’t figured out how to close. Maybe I have an inborn radar, tuned and locked in precisely to your face, body shape and even shadow. Or when it comes to you, an arcane sharpness envelops and powers my eyes at exactly the moment you are passing by. I always see you. Sometimes with her, sometimes alone but you always never notice or even worse pretend not to notice me.
It is still imbedded in my head. Before you went to great lengths, so that I would notice you. You would sit near me and try to strike up a conversation. It never bothered or discouraged you that I made it known to you that I didn’t want to have anything to do with you. Maybe it was the summer heat, or Chem 16 or it was just who you were.
That guy I knew is gone. The warmth is gone. All that’s left is the j*rk that is you.
I’ve often wondered why it’s happening now, not when I desperately wanted to see you. Always, it seems, our encounters are scheduled at the most inopportune time. Never when I’m ready to meet your eyes and impose my presence on you, on her, and more importantly on the two of you.
Why did I decided to make up with you anyway? After a year of no contact, once again I took the first step in the “restoration” of our dying friendship. I knew not to expect too much, I am not that naïve. I know in my heart, I did it for my peace of mind, so I can freely leave my college life without any regrets or unresolved issues. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit even to myself that’s all I wanted.
I want my sweet, caring friend back. I don’t want the a**hole he turned out to be. I know “we” can never be. It didn’t work out well between us as friends…need I say more?
I don’t want to make the first step again. I don’t want to say hello first. Is it because she is there?
We were friends first before the two of you hooked up. It just feels like you are ashamed to admit we are friends and let people know that we are somehow connected. Maybe if you pretend I’m not there, I really won’t be. Until you grow the balls you need, I really won’t be.

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