Friday, August 7, 2009

Mind Explosion

Sometimes you say some things you don't really mean to. You say it just so you can say it. When people react to it the way they're supposed to, you wonder like it wasn't expected. Like when you tell someone a lot of things, a lot of carefully chosen words to make them understand what is going on inside your brain. You gather the courage you think you need to have them think like you do, even just for a moment just so it becomes clear to them. You spill it all over and tell them you do not wish for them to say anything in return. And so they don't. Not a word. Not even an air of sigh. Then you wish you had not said what you did. It's not regret. You wanted them to know. You just didn't expect their response to be like that. Somehow you thought, even if you said it was okay not to answer, they would still respond. Now you get what they thought you want. What could get any worse than not knowing what you want? You stand for something and later on find out you do not like what it leads to, then expect there's an easy way out? A lot of things happen. We all act, sometimes, for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't a person who held back. I wasn't a person who thought a lot before acting. I wasn't a person who questions everything first just to be so sure. I used to jump into decisions that would make for messed up situations. I used to ignore what happens after and just focus on what happens now. I used to settle for less despite the fact I knew very well I deserved more. I was and is, all for the wrong reasons. All for the wrong people. Why can't I be who I am then and be who I was now? I believe it when people say things happen for a reason. But what's the reason now? How can change be so uncomforting?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Tie A Yellow Ribbon

Watching the buzz yesterday was heartbreaking. I think I cried buckets of tears, together with my mother and sister, while listening to Kris Aquino.
Although I don't know much and didn't pay that much effort to know and really understand what happened in the past, I came to really appreciate the Philippines and the Filipinos especially. I've never been that much of a nationalistic person, but somehow I felt proud of who I am and where I'm from.
This morning, again, we were watching from the abs-cbn and anc coverage. I didn't know what the color actually signified until Jim Paredes spoke of what it meant and where it was from. He said it was from the song "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" and that it was about Ninoy Aquino's return in the country.

I'm comin' home,
I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter tellin' you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do you still want me?
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
Bus driver, please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison, and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please
Now the whole damn bus is cheering
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons 'round the old oak tree
I'm comin' home

It felt good to know some of the things I wouldn't have come to know if I didn't pay attention. I was glad of the many things I learned, even if it was through an inopportune time.

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