Friday, August 7, 2009

Mind Explosion

Sometimes you say some things you don't really mean to. You say it just so you can say it. When people react to it the way they're supposed to, you wonder like it wasn't expected. Like when you tell someone a lot of things, a lot of carefully chosen words to make them understand what is going on inside your brain. You gather the courage you think you need to have them think like you do, even just for a moment just so it becomes clear to them. You spill it all over and tell them you do not wish for them to say anything in return. And so they don't. Not a word. Not even an air of sigh. Then you wish you had not said what you did. It's not regret. You wanted them to know. You just didn't expect their response to be like that. Somehow you thought, even if you said it was okay not to answer, they would still respond. Now you get what they thought you want. What could get any worse than not knowing what you want? You stand for something and later on find out you do not like what it leads to, then expect there's an easy way out? A lot of things happen. We all act, sometimes, for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't a person who held back. I wasn't a person who thought a lot before acting. I wasn't a person who questions everything first just to be so sure. I used to jump into decisions that would make for messed up situations. I used to ignore what happens after and just focus on what happens now. I used to settle for less despite the fact I knew very well I deserved more. I was and is, all for the wrong reasons. All for the wrong people. Why can't I be who I am then and be who I was now? I believe it when people say things happen for a reason. But what's the reason now? How can change be so uncomforting?


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