Tuesday, December 29, 2009


So yeah, 2009's 'bout to end and another year's coming to start. There have been some things that went on while I was gone (un-updating this blog). And for the most part, it wasn't all that nice. At the beginning of '09, I was led to believe it was going to be my year. A year for the Aquarian, as I've heard and as predicted. And maybe it really was. For the most part, it indeed was an Aquarian year. Things went on quite well for me, except for some few inevitable circumstances.

This year, I learned, again, from things I did and did not do. Just like every year, there are again things I realized. Things I thought I knew, things I thought I didn't know, things I didn't know I had in me. Last year I was sure I knew what I was all about. I knew. I was so confident then that finally, I was happy about it. But then now I came to know there are some things I just don't really know. Who am I, really? Partly, I know. Partly, I don't. Because sometimes you do things you never thought you'd be able to do. Say words you didn't know you'd be able to say. And I am surprised for things like that. The self I knew is somewhat someone I can't recognize. Am I really this person now? I used to go jumping on without any cares. I used to stay happy for the simple things. I used to want to lose myself. I used to be someone who didn't think of everything else, I just did what I felt like doing. I used to say sorry for things I didn't even do. I used to cry for unacceptable reasons. I used to not see this worth I have now for myself. But has this worth changed me entirely? Sometimes I think this self-worth overwhelmed me. For things I don't do anymore, words I don't say anymore, or thoughts I choose not to think about anymore. I feel so much for myself there's no room for anybody else. I want so much that I don't know what I really want anymore. I see myself as somebody so worthy that no one's going to be good enough. That no one's going to measure up to what I am capable of. I try to accept and let somebody else in only to destroy it myself. Open up to chance only to suddenly slam the door closed.
There are things I regret doing, primarily because I know I could have done it better. I believe I could've done what I was supposed to. That maybe if I was someone I used to be, it was all going to fall into place. But I am someone else, and the pieces won't fit. Trying to make things run smoothly is something I have to work on. Knowing the right actions, the right words, the right thoughts. Maybe now I can try and want to be alone for things to be better. Maybe I can now be cautious to avoid the past of repeating itself. Maybe I can figure out who this person I am now and start again. With a clearer vision that may sometimes turn blurry still, with a lighter heart that sometimes turns vague from all the questions, maybe somehow I can conquer.
Who knows now if next year's going to be mine again. Most probably it won't. I can only rely on fate so much. All I know is what I know now. Maybe I'll be better, maybe I'll be worse. Maybe I'll let you in, maybe I'll drive you away. But whatever it is, if there is anything I could say I learned, there's just no escaping anything.


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