eighteen.

so, i just turned eighteen. that was about, uhm, two days ago. i wonder how it's gonna be like. so far, nothing's changed. the world still turns like it did for the last seventeen years of my life. questions just keep coming back in my head. what will happen now? or, is something really gonna happen? looking back, i don't think i've done much. so i say i can't die now. because if i will, i'll die unfulfilled. and that would really suck. it's my first year in college now, so how the hell would i be able to say it's fine to die like this? wait, why am i talking about death? erase. maybe it just comes with thinking about my life. it's disturbing to realize i've walked the earth for already eighteen years now yet it seems to me i've only lived for some short time. i can't say i have done nothing 'cause that would be completely stupid. i surpassed highschool, that's kinda good enough. college is nice. my family is great as always. my friends are the best. and my dear God loves me still. not bad having those things and people for eighteen years, right? this writing-down-my-thoughts idea gets me to see how much i have grown. aside for the fact i'm eighteen. the way i see the world. my beliefs. my feelings. the thoughts. memories. they keep me alive. i remember that one part of my life, i think it's one of the major causes for the changes in my existence. it's amazing how all the hurt, the pain, could actually bring something so good. change is good, as they say. i can agree. i've changed since that last instance. growing up, growing old. i am growing. life is a game. i can't be too old to play, but i have to be old enough to be in the game.

why do they hate you?

i can't believe i'm liking someone who seems to be hated by everyone else. what's wrong with me? i was thinking about that lately. i am fully aware of what they see in you. and i see that too. but still i manage to like you. you please me in some mysteriously weird way, i guess.

"you give me something that makes me scared, alright."

i have no idea how it's gonna be months from now. well, i just like you. and it's been for just some days, or weeks? i might wake up tomorrow hating you like everyone else does, for all i care. i don't know. there's just something about you. we haven't talked. but i know your name, silly me. and i bet you know mine too. i see you, you see me. then? i look at you, you look at me. why won't you talk to me? my imagination says you are asking me same questions. hahaha.

blogs are nice. they bear with my intolerable thoughts of nonsense! :)

i wonder if you'll ever come across this and think i am talking to you...

something new!

"oh, this is the start of something new. don't you agree? i haven't felt like this in so many moons. you know what i mean?"

i think part of what this year brings is change. as they say, change is the only thing that doesn't change. did i catch that right? there is nothing more inevitable than change. and as far as it goes now in my life, i'm liking it.

i've been waiting for this time for quite a long time. it's this time when i'll always think of myself before God knows who. i'm not being selfish, you got it wrong if that's what you think. you know that sense of freedom? free from the worries that someone else might bring you. free from heartaches. the rainy days. the i-want-to-be-alone's.

moving on is something we learn to do in one way or another in this life. nothing's permanent. we must mold ourselves into maximum flexibilities. it's natural to be weak, but it's better if we are able to go beyond. we must always go on since the world won't stop even for one second just to be one with us. i am not saying that we should always keep it running. few stops along the way is healthy too.

passing me by

I stopped purposely looking for your face in the crowd everywhere I go. Sometimes I do take a peek…force of habit I guess. I haven’t been able to shake it off yet. You opened a switch inside me that I still haven’t figured out how to close. Maybe I have an inborn radar, tuned and locked in precisely to your face, body shape and even shadow. Or when it comes to you, an arcane sharpness envelops and powers my eyes at exactly the moment you are passing by. I always see you. Sometimes with her, sometimes alone but you always never notice or even worse pretend not to notice me.
It is still imbedded in my head. Before you went to great lengths, so that I would notice you. You would sit near me and try to strike up a conversation. It never bothered or discouraged you that I made it known to you that I didn’t want to have anything to do with you. Maybe it was the summer heat, or Chem 16 or it was just who you were. That guy I knew is gone. The warmth is gone. All that’s left is the j*rk that is you.
I’ve often wondered why it’s happening now, not when I desperately wanted to see you. Always, it seems, our encounters are scheduled at the most inopportune time. Never when I’m ready to meet your eyes and impose my presence on you, on her, and more importantly on the two of you.
Why did I decided to make up with you anyway? After a year of no contact, once again I took the first step in the “restoration” of our dying friendship. I knew not to expect too much, I am not that naïve. I know in my heart, I did it for my peace of mind, so I can freely leave my college life without any regrets or unresolved issues. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit even to myself that’s all I wanted. I want my sweet, caring friend back. I don’t want the a**hole he turned out to be. I know “we” can never be. It didn’t work out well between us as friends…need I say more?
I don’t want to make the first step again. I don’t want to say hello first. Is it because she is there? We were friends first before the two of you hooked up. It just feels like you are ashamed to admit we are friends and let people know that we are somehow connected. Maybe if you pretend I’m not there, I really won’t be. Until you grow the balls you need, I really won’t be.

~peyups.com

to whom it may concern:

i saw you yesterday. you were at that same place again. i saw you look at me. then we both smiled. it's for moments like that that i come to appreciate life more. i just wish it lasted a little longer...

i've always prayed for Him to send me someone. i don't want someone perfect; i just want someone i need. i think i need someone nice. someone sweet. someone who cares like no other. i don't demand for much. i just want what's for me. if i don't need him now, at least i want to know. i can't mend this alone, i guess.

"i know it's on your mind that a love like ours shall never fall apart. you're so afraid of the rain, so i'll take your hand and i'll love you in the best way that i can. and i only expect the same. though i'm sure of what i feel, i never thought a love so true felt so unreal. i'm a little afraid myself. but if you love me day by day with an honest heart and just a little faith, time will tell the tale. don't promise me forever. don't promise me the sun and the sky. don't pretend to know that you'll never make me cry. just hold me now, and promise me you'll try."

there's nothing wrong with being single. it's nice to be free. i can stay out late every night. i can wear whatever i want. i can just be my plain old self. the whole world sees that i can take care of myself. but to tell you the truth, i wouldn't mind having someone walk me home. i wouldn't mind wanting to look good or trying to be better for someone. i wouldn't mind letting someone hold me when i'm just too weak to go on. it's nice to be free, but i wouldn't mind being bound to someone who loves me. after all, who wouldn't want to love and be loved in return?

control.

most of us would want to be in control. in control of what's happening around. of what's in your mind. of what you feel. because basically, being in control means strength.

but what if you lose grip? what if things start to fall apart? comes tumbling down right in front of you? can you handle the crash?

few are able to hold it together, simply because it's but really hard to. it's like seeing your most precious possession trapped in fire. it's there, just meters away from you. but what can you do? you see it, burning. you can't get it back. just trying to get near hurts, and you might just get burned. being in control is more likely to be the same as that. or more. you know that certain time in your life when everything you ever dreamed of suddenly abandons you? every little thing you held on tightly to just slips off of your grasp and you just don't know why. questions build up. doubts grow. and answers are nowhere to be found. you get mad. you cry. you try laughing it all off. you go crazy. you just, lose it.

now you begin to wonder about what's happening next. is it gonna be good this time? or will it hurt just like it did?

losing control. it takes pretty damn hard to regain. you find yourself wishing it never happened because you know it is easier that way. you might never have to hurt that much. but you are hurting now. and it quietly ruins you. it silently breaks you inside. and there is nothing you can do about it.

you lie in bed each night, constantly trying your best to figure out how you can take it all back to where you started. back when you were strong. before your fall. that moment when you had it all in your hands. something. someone took that all away from you. gone.

now you wait as hope leaves you empty. you pray for something. for someone to fix you, and your broken pieces. but after all, no matter who or what is gonna bring you back whole, and no matter how they do it, it still won't change the fact that once, you got shattered. you were torn. you went weak, and lost control.

HATE

hate. such a strong word.
who do you hate? what do you hate?
oftentimes, you tend to hate many things. i hate my face. i hate my body. i hate my eyes. i hate math. i hate science. i hate my professor. i hate that girl. i hate this shirt. I HATE HIM. but is it really hatred? sometimes it's just a matter of not being contented with what you got.

fat people want to be skinny. skinny ones want to gain weight.
short people want to get taller, while sometimes tall people wished they were shorter.
dark-skinned? they try all who-knows-what stuff just to have lighter skin, while those with
milky white skin? they get tanned.
most kids are so eager to get older. but once they do, "how i wish i was still young".
i want what she got. i want that house. i want that car. i want her boyfriend. i want this. i want that. do you ever stop wanting?

think about this: maybe you do not have this or that because you do not need it. yes, you read it right. NEED. worldly creature, forget your wants. take note of what you need. really need.

not being able to grasp what you want makes you hate a lot of things, or even of a lot of people. you envy. you get jealous. but stop for awhile, just think. did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe (but i sure bet it's very possible. more than possible.) the things you have, or even the things you hate are what others desire for? you get too occupied by your desperate thoughts of having to have what others got. take time to see things from a distance. others do what you do. yes, they too long for what you possess. someone thinks you are a beautiful creature that s/he wished s/he had your cursed hair, your unwanted figure, or even your hated face. it's just a matter contentment, dear. just a little satisfaction. come on, grow some of it up on your pretty little head. breakaway from your hectic schedule of nosing around. stop that insecurity, it's unhealthy.

just cling on to what you have, because whatever that is, it's what you need at the moment.

hiSTORY

"it's weird as it happens.
you still love the person but you stop needing them like you used to."

i fell in love with a boy. it's that kind of love coated with sugared words and endless dreams. i was young, so was he. i remember how it began; it was on that day of june when i first saw the face i never thought would own a space in my busy mind. he made a smooth way from my brain, through my spine, and eventually down to my fragile heart. momentary bliss. i finally found one great reason to finally love the thought of having to go to school. swept off my feet, i was soaring high the blue skies. but time went speeding by. taking me into its arms, away from the magical sparks of my fantasy.

months passed. i have changed. i wasn't young anymore, yet still he was. what was sweet slowly took its turn. reality came knocking at my door.

but reality doesn't bite hard, i guess. sweet. sour. sweet!

i never guessed it was possible. my impossible dream came true, knocking the hell out of me. days of joy. weeks of fun. a month of purely innocent affection. he made me smile. gave me hope. 'til it's over.

good things never seem to last. . .they all have their endings. no matter how modest or grand.

although i wanted to love him, he made me want to quit giving.

time just flies shitty fast. it took me way beyond my imagination. i was running a race, alone. i reached the end. how did i ever win?

March 31, 2006

funny, isn’t it? just when you get to have what you have longed to have, everything just seems to be wrong. well, i don’t know if it works that way for you. but to me that’s how it is.

let’s just say that i finally got what i want most, but it doesn’t just feel right. it’s not that i am not happy about it. hell yes, i am happy. it’s just that, something bothers me. and i don’t know what it is.

i woke up early and feeling bad today. i slept past three, ignoring the fact that
i was sick already. so now i have to bear with the pain down my throat. uhg.

physically and emotionally sick, how fortunate.

anyway, that’s how i got to think of writing it down.

i don’t want to talk, it hurts me.

well, just like how i said earlier, something happened that made me have what i long yearned for. i bet you, if you were in my place, you’d probably be the happiest and most inspired young lady on earth. it’s just like the man you loved for two years has just confessed to you that he was starting to like you too. or like, your mother told you that you won the lottery and that you are 80 million richer now. marvelous. who wouldn’t want that? consider me lucky. Haha.
i think God loves me. really.

now, if i say that something still bothers me, would that be right? i guess not. i want to feel right. i am happy, lucky, and inspired. i am contented. i am beginning to think that I don’t make sense anymore. well, you can’t blame me.

to conclude, i guess i just haven’t absorbed the fact that the dream I’ve dreamt all this time has already come to reality. and it keeps bugging me, so i feel bothered. but really, the feeling’s just overwhelming and unbelievable.