Year-Ender

So yeah, 2009's 'bout to end and another year's coming to start. There have been some things that went on while I was gone (un-updating this blog). And for the most part, it wasn't all that nice. At the beginning of '09, I was led to believe it was going to be my year. A year for the Aquarian, as I've heard and as predicted. And maybe it really was. For the most part, it indeed was an Aquarian year. Things went on quite well for me, except for some few inevitable circumstances.

This year, I learned, again, from things I did and did not do. Just like every year, there are again things I realized. Things I thought I knew, things I thought I didn't know, things I didn't know I had in me. Last year I was sure I knew what I was all about. I knew. I was so confident then that finally, I was happy about it. But then now I came to know there are some things I just don't really know. Who am I, really? Partly, I know. Partly, I don't. Because sometimes you do things you never thought you'd be able to do. Say words you didn't know you'd be able to say. And I am surprised for things like that. The self I knew is somewhat someone I can't recognize. Am I really this person now? I used to go jumping on without any cares. I used to stay happy for the simple things. I used to want to lose myself. I used to be someone who didn't think of everything else, I just did what I felt like doing. I used to say sorry for things I didn't even do. I used to cry for unacceptable reasons. I used to not see this worth I have now for myself. But has this worth changed me entirely? Sometimes I think this self-worth overwhelmed me. For things I don't do anymore, words I don't say anymore, or thoughts I choose not to think about anymore. I feel so much for myself there's no room for anybody else. I want so much that I don't know what I really want anymore. I see myself as somebody so worthy that no one's going to be good enough. That no one's going to measure up to what I am capable of. I try to accept and let somebody else in only to destroy it myself. Open up to chance only to suddenly slam the door closed.

There are things I regret doing, primarily because I know I could have done it better. I believe I could've done what I was supposed to. That maybe if I was someone I used to be, it was all going to fall into place. But I am someone else, and the pieces won't fit. Trying to make things run smoothly is something I have to work on. Knowing the right actions, the right words, the right thoughts. Maybe now I can try and want to be alone for things to be better. Maybe I can now be cautious to avoid the past of repeating itself. Maybe I can figure out who this person I am now and start again. With a clearer vision that may sometimes turn blurry still, with a lighter heart that sometimes turns vague from all the questions, maybe somehow I can conquer.

Who knows now if next year's going to be mine again. Most probably it won't. I can only rely on fate so much. All I know is what I know now. Maybe I'll be better, maybe I'll be worse. Maybe I'll let you in, maybe I'll drive you away. But whatever it is, if there is anything I could say I learned, there's just no escaping anything.

THE INNER NATIONALITY QUIZ: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY?

Sherry completed the quiz "THE INNER NATIONALITY QUIZ: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY?"

with the result You are German.

You are precise yet romantic, efficient yet dreamy, friendly yet somewhat suspicious of others. You rarely smile, but when you do it's very meaningful. You like it best when there is a group consensus, and yet you are easily annoyed by the slowness and/or stupidity of others. Sometimes you think that if only you could live on an island or move to some wonderful place far away, everything would be better, and if you can't realize this dream you often lose yourself in books/vacations/recipes/sports -- anything for an escape! All in all, however, you make your peace with life, and have many old friends.

Just COOL, really. XD

PS. Germany stamp from l8

It's the rain, not me.

So, it's been a while. Nothing's up. Well, not really.

From some unexpected reasons, I realized if you get surrounded by a lot of the same thing, you begin to think you want or need it too. Even when you know you are perfectly okay, still your mind wanders through that certain possibility that it's better if you had what everybody around you has. Like it invokes some kind of envy, thinking why can't you have it when they can? But I don't think I'm being envious. I just welcome the thought. There must've been a reason for it to come around in such large dose in the first place.

Blah. Blame the rain for this out-of-time rupture.

Mind Explosion

Sometimes you say some things you don't really mean to. You say it just so you can say it. When people react to it the way they're supposed to, you wonder like it wasn't expected. Like when you tell someone a lot of things, a lot of carefully chosen words to make them understand what is going on inside your brain. You gather the courage you think you need to have them think like you do, even just for a moment just so it becomes clear to them. You spill it all over and tell them you do not wish for them to say anything in return. And so they don't. Not a word. Not even an air of sigh. Then you wish you had not said what you did. It's not regret. You wanted them to know. You just didn't expect their response to be like that. Somehow you thought, even if you said it was okay not to answer, they would still respond. Now you get what they thought you want. What could get any worse than not knowing what you want? You stand for something and later on find out you do not like what it leads to, then expect there's an easy way out? A lot of things happen. We all act, sometimes, for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't a person who held back. I wasn't a person who thought a lot before acting. I wasn't a person who questions everything first just to be so sure. I used to jump into decisions that would make for messed up situations. I used to ignore what happens after and just focus on what happens now. I used to settle for less despite the fact I knew very well I deserved more. I was and is, all for the wrong reasons. All for the wrong people. Why can't I be who I am then and be who I was now? I believe it when people say things happen for a reason. But what's the reason now? How can change be so uncomforting?

Tie A Yellow Ribbon

Watching the buzz yesterday was heartbreaking. I think I cried buckets of tears, together with my mother and sister, while listening to Kris Aquino.

Although I don't know much and didn't pay that much effort to know and really understand what happened in the past, I came to really appreciate the Philippines and the Filipinos especially. I've never been that much of a nationalistic person, but somehow I felt proud of who I am and where I'm from.

This morning, again, we were watching from the abs-cbn and anc coverage. I didn't know what the color actually signified until Jim Paredes spoke of what it meant and where it was from. He said it was from the song "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" and that it was about Ninoy Aquino's return in the country.

I'm comin' home,

I've done my time

Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine

If you received my letter tellin' you I'd soon be free

Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree

It's been three long years

Do you still want me?

If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

I'll stay on the bus

Forget about us

Put the blame on me

If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

Bus driver, please look for me

'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see

I'm really still in prison, and my love she holds the key

A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free

I wrote and told her please

Now the whole damn bus is cheering

And I can't believe I see

A hundred yellow ribbons 'round the old oak tree

I'm comin' home

It felt good to know some of the things I wouldn't have come to know if I didn't pay attention. I was glad of the many things I learned, even if it was through an inopportune time.

from Zorlone

0710200923072312

Out of the ordinary days of life,

echoes turned whispers in plain sight.

Silent thoughts grow loud when written,

in your daily canvass, lessons not forgotten.

Your fickle mindedness to mundane rituals,

reflect a new experience resounding ideals.

Every word on a page, a self proclaimed view,

desire for drama in life, no problems, just you.

I REALLY LIKED THIS.

THANKS :)

Sino Ka?

ako na.

turn ko na para tumayo sa harapan ng klase para magreport.

pero bakit gano'n?

bakit maingay silang lahat?

bakit lahat ay nakikipag-usap sa katabi?

bakit hindi nila ko pinaglalaanan ng oras para pakinggan?

tsk.

isa pa si ma'am.

hindi man lang naisip na bawalan kayo.

para bang wala siyang pakialam kahit hindi niyo pinagtutuunan ng pansin 'yung sinasabi ko.

magsama-sama kayo.

basta ako magsasalita lang.

"values are standards for determining whether something is good and desirable, or not.."

teka.

nakikinig ka?

[ngiti]

nakikinig ka nga.

[ngiti ulit]

nakakatuwa ka naman.

sige, kahit wala silang pakialam, okay lang.

at least may nakikinig pala.

parang may liwanag galing sa taas na nakatutok sa'yo.

napansin tuloy kita.

napansin ko tuloy na may nakikinig pala.

"in this way, values act as a means of social control and pressure."

sige lang, mag-ingay pa kayo.

...

yes. malapit na 'kong matapos.

...

...

sa wakas, tapos na.

nakatingin ka pa rin at nakangiti, habang nakikinig.

salamat.

[ngiti]

'yung liwanag, hindi pa rin nawawala.

sino ka ba?

tapos na ang klase.

tahimik na.

nawala ka na din kasabay nung ingay kanina.

...

10:33 am

...

tinanghali na naman ako ng gising.

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Crush

i know, i've just posted yet another freaky 'message from God' from facebook. it's just so unbelievably weird. the coincidence. the bull's eye. yeah. so, whatever.

my purpose for this entry is to talk about mu law3 professor who i met yesterday and is now my crush. aaahh! just the thought of his face makes me smile like a love sick puppy dog (or cat?) haha. during discussion, while everyone was so silent and nervous, josh and i were whispering to each other in almost inaudible tones about how handsome he is. it was so out of line considering i was nervous as hell for the professor might just call my name next and ask me law-ful questions. but who cares. we were enjoying the view. haha! [at pagkatapos niyang i-dismiss ang klase, pagkalabas at pagkalabas niya sa pinto, ay sabay sabay kaming nagtilian. wahaha] tomorrow is law day. and i wonder if he'll come to class. law professors don't always come to class, i guess. it has always been that way. and even if i have to read again and study those negotiable law sections, it's okay. really. it's okay :))

Here It Goes Again!

Sherry got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you.You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.

If Only

"If only I don't bend and break, I'll meet you on the other side. I'll meet you in the light."

WHY WOULDN'T I?

as i once have read, when you're not ready, you just are not.

no matter how perfect or no matter how comforting the situation,

it just wouldn't work.

because you're not ready.

and why the hell am i not ready?

why when after all that's happened,

after all that's been said and done,

the investments i made,

we made.

there isn't anybody else.

no show-stopper.

there's just you,

and me.

now, how do i make sense of this?

"If only I don't suffocate, I'll meet you in the morning when you wake."

I Hate

i woke up this morning feeling like wanting to throw everything into the drain. i felt like it's worth nothing of my time, my efforts, or any bit of me. i felt that same feeling when i was breaking someone else's dreams. as if it's happening again. that strong determination. the coldness. the unwavering emotion of wanting to give it all up because it feels so wrong. how can it happen that i feel such sudden wave when just few days ago i was feeling sure i want it? i was pretty sure i wanted it. how can you wake up one morning and realize you don't want what you were so into building for the last working months of your life? how do you want to want to throw it all away when you know it's everything for somebody else? tragic. i know, or maybe i know, that tomorrow, later, or few days from now, this will all again change. i'll again want it like i used to. or want it even more. but why does this have to happen? why do i have to suddenly change my mind, then wanting to turn the tables up so fast? how can i manage to be so unfair? to be so unkind. to not think of nothing or no one but myself. to just be so damn selfish.

Grateful

sometimes you meet people who seem to know you better than you do yourself. they make you realize how you are, or who you are. apart from what you already know of yourself, they make you see something else. they figure you out. they watch close enough to just know how you react to situations or how you respond to just about anything. somewhat, they seem to be studying you. going into your smallest details. and later on, you begin to ask yourself what made them dig into you. i mean, who pays that much attention?

~

i think it's something to be thankful for when people have taken time to know you. yet it's something to be more grateful about when they've known you and have chosen to still stay close. like feeling blessed to be loved and accepted for what you are and for what you are NOT.

Just How Weird Is That

this is what i get for today's message from God. it's an app in facebook where i am subscribed to.

"Sherry got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times."

Cowardice

"...someone who isn't afraid to admit (he) misses you

...someone who knows you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are

...someone whose biggest fear is losing you

...someone who gives (his) heart completely

...someone who says, "I love you" and means it"

this is quoted from a text message i received from a friend some weeks ago. while reading and you think of a specific 'someone', that should really mean something, right? like you know well enough because you pay attention. you appreciate because you must've done something good to have that certain someone. then you actually feel lucky, realizing what you have.

though sometimes even when you are aware of what you have, you tend to not treat it the way it's supposed to be treated. it's not that you're ungrateful. sometimes you're just too aware of how great something is that you think you're undeserving. that you might just ruin its greatness along the way.

i don't exactly know how i reached this point. or maybe i do. i just don't want to accept or i just find it hard to accept it. it's unbelievably so true that it's scary. even when i know i should, i'd still choose not to. thinking once i went for it, it's going to start falling apart. that my truths would prove out to be wrong. that my certainties will return to doubts. then i'd start questioning what i was so sure of. some state of mind, huh? insane.

"I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

What took me so long?

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault"

SOME THOUGHTS.

Good Morning

it's really a good morning when you wake up with the sun on your face, holding your cellphone that reads 'Please be informed that classes in all levels and offices at AUF are suspended today, June 19, due to heavy rains'. what a treat. no supposed to be quiz today. nice.

Nearly Absent

this is what happens when you're sick and it's raining like hell outside and the sky's too cloudy and dark and it's just the first week of classes. this is what happens: i decide i won't to go to school. but for some miraculously cool reason, i get to receive a text message from my classmate saying classes are suspended. how great is that? just when i thought i was being lazy..haha! :)) i wasn't in my element as i was taking a bath contemplating if i should go to school or not. my mind was too busy weighing the odds, trying to convince myself that it's okay to skip class today. that since none of the professors showed up last tuesday, in case they show up today, it will be the 'first day'. and it's okay to miss the first day, i guess. and adding the fact that i'm sick. okay, not really that sick. but i am sick in some considerable level. so whatever. classes are suspended anyway. it would be good if tomorrow's classes will be suspended too because my gensoc prof decided it's time for a quiz. who does that??
so anyway, that's about it, for now. again. be back when i'm back ;)

Most Needed Update

this blog needs an udpade, badly. who owns a blog with a 2007 last blog post?? me. haha

anyway, it's 2009 already. two years have passed. of course a lot have changed too. as i was reading my older (nearly ancient) posts, i started smiling to myself, reminiscing about those days when i was too young and kind of immature. oh well, it's different now. by next year i will be graduating already. well, i'm still not so sure about that. classes have just started and it's already freaking me out. i guess a college diploma won't come easy.
i noticed how my previous blog entries mostly (if not all) talked about my really young love life. haha. i guess most of us pass through that certain phase in our lives when all we can think about are crushes, puppy loves, and tons of wishful thinking. i'm not saying i don't entertain imaginings anymore. it's just that when you get older and reach a certain point in your life, you begin to let go of childish dreams and start holding on to what really matters. it's that time when you inject a healthy dose of discipline into your system so you won't go off track. but i still do, go off track, once in a while. hihi

enough of that, for now. wonder if i'd really have time to give this blog the update it needs ;)