day wasted

my back hurts. i lack hours of sleep. i'm wasted. haha. the school year's about to end so i have a lot to do. ayan na naman ang practice set! hmp. i was up with my classmates from 11pm last night to 6am this morning just doing accounting stuff and yet, it still is not done. why does it have to be that everytime this comes, we never finish? frustrating. but i think we'll do better this sem compared to that of last sem's. whatever! frustrating still, BIG TIME.
i came to realize how i am willing to exert all those efforts just to finish that work. i'm on the edge of failing my 6-unit major subject yet i don't feel i'm doing enough. ugh. it's oh so sad to imagine, my first year in college- a failure. i don't want to spend a month of my summer vacation in school! finals na this thursday, do or die. hayyy!

eighteen.

so, i just turned eighteen. that was about, uhm, two days ago. i wonder how it's gonna be like. so far, nothing's changed. the world still turns like it did for the last seventeen years of my life. questions just keep coming back in my head. what will happen now? or, is something really gonna happen? looking back, i don't think i've done much. so i say i can't die now. because if i will, i'll die unfulfilled. and that would really suck. it's my first year in college now, so how the hell would i be able to say it's fine to die like this? wait, why am i talking about death? erase. maybe it just comes with thinking about my life. it's disturbing to realize i've walked the earth for already eighteen years now yet it seems to me i've only lived for some short time. i can't say i have done nothing 'cause that would be completely stupid. i surpassed highschool, that's kinda good enough. college is nice. my family is great as always. my friends are the best. and my dear God loves me still. not bad having those things and people for eighteen years, right? this writing-down-my-thoughts idea gets me to see how much i have grown. aside for the fact i'm eighteen. the way i see the world. my beliefs. my feelings. the thoughts. memories. they keep me alive. i remember that one part of my life, i think it's one of the major causes for the changes in my existence. it's amazing how all the hurt, the pain, could actually bring something so good. change is good, as they say. i can agree. i've changed since that last instance. growing up, growing old. i am growing. life is a game. i can't be too old to play, but i have to be old enough to be in the game.

why do they hate you?

i can't believe i'm liking someone who seems to be hated by everyone else. what's wrong with me? i was thinking about that lately. i am fully aware of what they see in you. and i see that too. but still i manage to like you. you please me in some mysteriously weird way, i guess.

"you give me something that makes me scared, alright."

i have no idea how it's gonna be months from now. well, i just like you. and it's been for just some days, or weeks? i might wake up tomorrow hating you like everyone else does, for all i care. i don't know. there's just something about you. we haven't talked. but i know your name, silly me. and i bet you know mine too. i see you, you see me. then? i look at you, you look at me. why won't you talk to me? my imagination says you are asking me same questions. hahaha.

blogs are nice. they bear with my intolerable thoughts of nonsense! :)

i wonder if you'll ever come across this and think i am talking to you...

something new!

"oh, this is the start of something new. don't you agree? i haven't felt like this in so many moons. you know what i mean?"

i think part of what this year brings is change. as they say, change is the only thing that doesn't change. did i catch that right? there is nothing more inevitable than change. and as far as it goes now in my life, i'm liking it.

i've been waiting for this time for quite a long time. it's this time when i'll always think of myself before God knows who. i'm not being selfish, you got it wrong if that's what you think. you know that sense of freedom? free from the worries that someone else might bring you. free from heartaches. the rainy days. the i-want-to-be-alone's.

moving on is something we learn to do in one way or another in this life. nothing's permanent. we must mold ourselves into maximum flexibilities. it's natural to be weak, but it's better if we are able to go beyond. we must always go on since the world won't stop even for one second just to be one with us. i am not saying that we should always keep it running. few stops along the way is healthy too.